Dr. John Gottman’s research-backed approach suggests parents become “emotion coaches” for their children (Gottman, 1997). The key to this approach to parenting lies in understanding the emotional source of problematic behavior.
3 Parenting Styles to Avoid:
The Dismissing Parent
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- Child: “I’m scared of the dark!”
- Parent: “Don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
- Result: Children learn that there is something wrong with them, cannot regulate their emotions.
The Disapproving Parent
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- Child: “I hate my teacher!”
- Parent: “That’s terrible! Go to your room until you can be respectful.”
- Result: Kids feel judged and criticized for having emotions.
The Laissez-Faire Parent
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- Child throws toys when frustrated
- Parent: “You’re just having big feelings. Let it all out.”
- Result: Kids can’t concentrate, can’t get along with others, or form friendships.
Recommended Parenting Style: The Emotion Coach
Example:
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- Child: “I’m scared of the dark!”
- Parent: “You’re feeling scared. The dark can feel scary sometimes. Tell me what worries you most, and let’s figure out what might help.”
- Result: Children develop better emotional regulation, stronger relationships, and greater success in life.
The 5-Step Emotion Coaching Method
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- Notice emotions – Tune into your child’s feelings, even subtle ones
- See opportunities – Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
- Listen and validate – “I can see why you’d feel that way”
- Help label feelings – Expand beyond “mad” and “sad” to words like frustrated, disappointed, excited
- Set limits while problem-solving – Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately (Gottman, 1997)
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Key Takeaways
The magic phrase structure: Acknowledge the feeling + Set the boundary + Guide toward solution
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- “I see you’re angry, but hitting isn’t okay. Let’s find another way to show your anger.”
Start with yourself: Parents who are aware of their own emotions can use their sensitivity to tune in to their children’s feelings.
The payoff: Children who had “Emotion Coaches” for parents were on an entirely different, more positive developmental trajectory. They develop better emotional regulation, stronger relationships, and greater success in life.
Remember: You’re not eliminating big feelings—you’re teaching your child how to navigate them successfully. Below are two very helpful videos about Emotion Coaching with Lucy Driver.
References
Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. Simon & Schuster.